Wednesday, May 9, 2012

They say confession is good for the soul....

I have a confession to make. I am told that confession is good for the soul and that we should confess our sin to one another in love, the basis being that if restoration is needed, it can be done in an honorable manner that shows God’s continual love and grace shown to all of us, which is why Paul said that we should “restore such a one considering ourselves”. I have been for the past year and a half angry, perturbed, apoplectic, and downright cheesed off at God. Here’s why. Five years ago Nicole and I were planning a move here to Chicago, back then we were still in Tacoma, (actually Milton) my father had just died, and we were thinking that maybe it was time to start having kids. We did not know how much of a miracle getting pregnant is and how much of a struggle it can be. There were issues that had to be overcome but each time I saw Nicole rise to the occasion, every time I saw her just take it in and move forward. A year and a half ago we were given news that she would not be able to conceive and that our only choices were IVF (which was automatically eliminated or adoption. This is a confession so I have to admit that it was hard accepting that fact. I did my best to put up a good front for my wife, so that she would see that we could get through this. It was hard believe me it was hard. I found myself questioning God, like hey, you gave my wife a word concerning her becoming a mother, and you said that she would be calling the church letting them know that she was having a child. Now mind you I fully understand that sometimes with God there can be nuances, sometimes you have to hang on every word and pay close attention to what is being said. Now while I have to admit I pride myself on being able to do this with people because let’s face it sometimes people will couch things in a certain way or form their words in a certain way to sometimes get out of whatever it is that they do not want to deal with. Now while I am not attributing this to God I am aware that sometimes when you deal with a word from the Lord, you have to pay attention. I was upset really peeved because I had to deal with the fact that I would not look into the eyes of my child and see my mother’s eyes, I won’t watch my child and see some traits of people who influenced me. That is a hard line to walk. I admit I did not exactly walk it well. It hurt, it really hurt yeah I was in pain for me and for Nicole. But the thing is that I took it out on the one that I felt caused the pain. I forgot that while God is in control He is in only so much control. He does not always get what He wants, CS Lewis put it this way: “The most spectacular demonstration of God’s omnipotence was to create beings who could tell Him no”. Here’s the thing, I knew and know that God can do whatever He chooses, the thing that I have had a hard time wrapping my head around is why is it that He would not perform a miracle for Nicole and I. I understand that He can totally still do it, but the thing that I could not handle was why us why not just heal and let us go on our way? The thing that is starting to inch its way into my thoughts is this. In adoption you definitely get a child that needs you, but you need that child as well. When you really stop and think about it is a symbiotic relationship at its very best. The child needs a home where he or she can be loved, raised and set on the path for their life. You need the child so that you can express in a tangible way the love that God has placed in your life, now keep in mind I am not saying that adoption is the only way to do this; I am saying however that I am finding that this is one of the more powerful ways that you can express it. Believe me when I tell you this has not been an easy thing to wrestle with, please know that I am still healing, but I have to say this, when you have people in your life who love you, or simply care, and you give them the freedom to speak to you, about you, it is a blessing that you really cannot measure. All things work together, and I guess that is something that I am going to have to try to hold on to. I always thought that my first marriage and subsequent divorce was hard, I always thought that since I had made it through that situation that there was nothing more that I could experience that could knock me to my knees like that. I find that I was sadly mistaken. When I was in my early 20s I dated a young woman, she had a little boy who had been born almost a year before we met. I remember that I got tons of unconditional love from him he was anxious to see me every day as I was to see him. I would drive to her house, and I would lock my car and engage the alarm system, I would do this and he was able to recognize the chirp of my alarm and all I would hear was this long squeal that would start on the top floor of the house and quickly come to the front door. I learned two things from that, 1. I learned what it is to love fiercely, completely and unconditionally, I had never felt that before. 2. I learned that I wanted to have children it was the thing that I discovered that I wanted a lot. I know now that unless God works a miracle that Nicole and I will be adopting, and its ok, I may not be able to look into the eyes of my child and see my mom’s eyes, or see a trait of my grandparents there. But something different something a lot closer, a whole lot of love, I plan on spending the rest of my life nurturing, protecting, when necessary correcting, and yes loving that child because no matter what, l know love has no boundaries, has no measure of depth, and even survives death. Yes I am confession I am peeved with God, but this too is and shall pass. I cannot stay angry forever, I was not designed for that, and besides how can I continue to be upset and put out by someone who has blessed me the way that He has? Has allowed me to find and marry someone like Nicole, and allows me to be in a position to support her and our family, yes my furry firstborn Maestro counts too, I am reminded about that every time he smiles at me.


  1. Really cool. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Our heavenly Father really does answer prayers. Let me know if sharing all of that made you feel better, freeier, lighter? Sure made me feel that way. Johnny I am so proud of you and so thankful. Many times we can be our own worse enemy but God is faithful to not let us stay there. I hope you know how much I love you. I keep holding on by a thread that you guys will actually move back here. LOL
    But I do know that if God said it (and He did), He will do it. Adoption is cool but you guys are going to also have a child. You've heard me say a million times that God is faithful and consistent and can be trusted. Thank you God for what you are doing!

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